Settling and resettling

Last week I arrived back in Dhaka after a two week surprise visit home. Where did those two weeks go? They seem to have raced by, creating a rip current of confusion, panic and isolation, but also love, new beginnings and finally (thankfully) acceptance and a readiness for the next chapter of my life to begin.

So much has changed at home and yet none of it seems to reflect the profound change in me. Except for that irrevocable shift that has happened within me, it almost felt as though I’d never left, like my life here in Bangladesh had not existed. Outside of Bangladesh and away from the people I’ve been sharing all this with, it felt as though this massively important thing I’ve done, am doing, didn’t exist.

I joked that the trip was my ‘baby-hugging tour of Queensland’, but really? It wasn’t far from the mark. And it’s not surprising really given my friends and I are now at that age. And it is exciting. And beautiful. And incredible. And being a parent is a gift. And I can see why it overtakes people’s lives. But all of a sudden the people I shared so much with are on a new adventure, one I’m not part of, not even close to being part of. I’m not saying we aren’t still great mates, that’ll never change, but maybe this is just that place in time when we take different paths. Maybe I’m not going to have the same sort of life - the married, settled down, couple of cute blonde-haired, blue-eyed kids life - I expected. But that’s okay too. And there is something exciting about living outside the box, following each opportunity and opening my heart to different people, places and experiences.

It has taken me the week I’ve been back in Dhaka to bring myself to write this post because I’m finding it quite hard to readjust. I’m missing the ease of Aussie life – I miss my car, being able to wear what I want, having great coffee at any time, having family and friends so close, the anonymity, the food, the cheese, the cake, the cute boys (my god, did I mention the cute boys?)...The list is endless really. But at home I missed the adventure of life here, I missed Clancy and LJ and Nat and all my friends here and the conversations that we have, that in no way revolve around babies or buying houses. We’re discussing the effectiveness and political clout of the UN (or lack thereof), the ways we cope with cultural differences and the horrors (young brides physically mutilated, sex work to survive, etc) and successes we see through our work, and the drive this inspires in us.

In just five weeks I leave Bangladesh. Five weeks I’d really love to enjoy every minute of. Five weeks to finish what I started at UNICEF, to mentally record all the madness and beauty of this country and its people, to soak up the best of the friendships I’ve formed here. Five weeks to say goodbye.

Just five weeks left in this place I love. With people I love. Doing work I love. Where everything, even the simplest, smallest things, are different from home. And for all of us, this momentum is creating some unease – what comes next? While part of me doesn’t want to leave all this behind, the promise and anticipation of the future, a new beginning, is calling me.