Today, I’m questioning even the simplest of things. A dream last night has me in a contemplative, melancholy mood and thoughts I’d put aside in order to survive this year come flooding back.
What it all boils down to is: what is perfect anyway? When we talk about being in a relationship that is right, healthy and sustainable, is it ever all the things we want?
Does it matter if he doesn’t want to travel, so long as he doesn’t stand in my way? Does it matter if he isn’t interested in politics, so long as he listens to my frustrated rantings? Does it matter that he’s opposite to me in a million little ways (a country boy to my city girl, his easy going to my high maintenance, his rational to my emotional, his metal to my indie rock)? Does any of it matter at all if adores me? If he knows me, allows me to be myself, makes me truly happy? If all the little things he does and says to show he cares (like arriving on my doorstep out of the blue with flowers or flying into town on his one day off so that I can wake up on my birthday with him beside me) are all the more touching because he’s never done them before? If, despite my intention not to, I fell in love with him?
Probably the dream is meaningless and simply a subconscious reflection of my anxiousness about the physical and emotional journey home.
But again I’m standing at a cross-roads and the paths lead in very different directions. How do you choose between two things that your heart wants in equal measure?
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